Hey Ronch!
Sounds like you are treating yourself with an "eat pray love" journey at the age of 23. I can't be more supportive. I am doing the gay version of it right now. It's very much alike, minus the clams and the red wine- More like $1.35 sandwich in 7-11 and a small dark roast coffee from Starbucks for $1.25.
I took a break from marriage life for a month and moved to work in a Jewish kindergarten in Chicago.
I felt like I was drowning into the pleasure and comfort of LA. All the boys and the drinking and free meals and no work... It was too much fun(!). I lost touch with reality.
I remember that I saw a homeless person dancing and singing in the street of Hollywood. He was giving a premadona show while walking from the garbage cans to his cardboard boxes. I was staring at him while my friend said "WOW...Someone passed to a different reality" and I wasn't sure if he was talking about the homeless person, me. That was the moment that I understood that there is no difference between me and him. I am stuck in the car like a snob, icalanded from the world.
The next morning I understood that I have to do something about it. I punished with a call to the Jewish lady that slaved me in Chicago. I worked for three months of long days, restless in a job that I hated. Even though the money was good, I got shingles over two months. My body was begging for some rest.
She was surprised to hear my voice, but said yes immediately. "For how long you can come?"-"amm..a month" (I couldn't believe that I said a whole month) A short, argues about the money, like two good jews and that is it. She bought me a flight ticket. On one hand it was great. I need it. But in the other hand, it's a little scary. I am not sure what I was committing to. But since my bank account has only $53.03 and I REALLY don't want to ask Guy for more, I better get going.
One week and I am on the flight. No more breakfasts with Jane Lynch and drinking night after an expensive sushi restaurant with Guy's millionaire friends.
It's -6 degrees C outside. I arrive to my friend, Ryan's place. He was really excited to see me. A gay young boy who don't really understand why his life is stuck. Addicted to sex. Having sex three times a day. Every time this empty, lonely feeling attacking him, he opens Grinder and find someone to fuck with (Yes, it's that exassable).
And there is someone who loves him. A wonderful guy. Clever, beautiful, shameless (and rich). They dated for a while, but my friend couldn't accept and commit to the idea that someone can be good for him. After your mother ignores you for all of your childhood and prefer to drink instead of spending time with her children- he doesn't believe that someone can be good for him. Kind of like those deals the cell phone company offers you. It sounds great, but where is the catch?
So they broke up, he broke his heart and became broke again. And the ex, can't see that he is not good for him. He keeps on paying his rent, covers for his meals and hug him when Ryan slap him in the face.
And there I am. We came back from drinking in the gay bars. Me and the ex talked about everything. Why he are coming back to the gay bars if we hate it? The new Cohen brothers movie and if you believe in reincarnation. While Ryan is dancing to the lame, offbeat gay music. Pretending to have fun.
Awkward silence. I am sleeping between them. We chose to go to Ryan's place even though Sam, the ex, has a beautiful apartment downtown. It was closer to the clubs, actually it was around the block from the clubs. He pays A LOT more than he should for this basement just so he could walk drunk back home.
I am getting bitten by a bed bug and I am sure they all ignore the bits as well. We all cuddles, the ex is sending a hand to my underwear. My friend has been already asleep. That could be a huge mistake. I am here for a month and this is my only place to stay. The thoughts about my bank account balance aren't leaving me, I can't allow myself to make mistakes. Even though they are "not together" I am not sure if I want to check if this boom is still on.
My friend woke up "Oh Nir, I didn't tell you".
"WHAT?!" I am jumping, the ex's hand is rushing to go back to his side. "I won't be here for a week. I am going to visit my parents in Phoenix. But I am sure that Sam will take care of you. Right Sammy?"
In the morning Sam was rushing to go to work. Ryan was still in bed. "It's snowing outside. You better wear something warm" Sam told me and tried to avoid an eye contact. He has to be ashamed of what he tried to do yesterday, when he was drunk. I took my coat and looked outside. 10 hours of cutting cardbourds and watching on childrens are waiting for me.
"Nir I have a question." Sam told me. I hoped he won't ask the right one. "Do you love your partner?"
"Very much" I said. "I can't imagine my life without him. I am just here for a brake. Finding myself a little bit"
"And you are open right" (Open means that you can fuck with others in the gay language)
"Yes, we are. We just don't want to block ourselves from having experiences. Something we connect with people, and there is no reason to block yourself from learning this connection. But nothing will change the way I feel for him"
"Nothing at all...?"
"Nothing that I could imagine"
"Oh, it's already 7:15. I have to rush. Have a good day" and he runs away. Ryan turned on his side. Still in bed. He asks me if I can close the curtains before I go out.
And here I am. It's snowing outside. Even if I want to go back, I can't, I don't have the money to buy a plane ticket and I really don't want to deal with Guy if I will come back before I should. I need the money and I need to stick to my decisions, no mater how stupid they are. So here I am. I have 27 more days for my punishment in Siberia. And I am already late to work.
No comments:
Post a Comment